


A Thousand Smiles

by LadyLasa



Series: Spirit of the Sea [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Dark!Makoto, Implied Smut, M/M, MakoRin Week, Rin gets scared shitless, Suspense, grumpy BFF Sousuke, occasional smut, wtf is going on with Makoto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 20:18:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2786348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLasa/pseuds/LadyLasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin knows all of Makoto's smiles, and he knows what it means when those smiles are absent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Makorin Week - Day 2 - Horror or Chocolate](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/87755) by urumiya. 



> This fic is based on the fantastic comic by tumblr user urumiya. I'll be cross-posting this to my personal blog - ladylasa.

I never expected anything beyond friendship with Makoto.  He’s kind and patient – everything that I’m not – and it’s almost too much for me to believe he’s real. His habit of apologizing for damn near everything grates on my nerves like you wouldn’t believe.  That’s just how he is, though. Always smiling, always telling people he’s sorry for some imagined wrongdoing.

Always stepping in when my temper flares to keep me from making a complete jackass out of myself.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but he never gives up on me. Even when I sulk for days after Haru kicks my ass in a race, Makoto is there with gentle smiles and comforting words.  Sure, it pissed me off at first, but Makoto is just as stubborn as I am in his own way.

I’m pretty sure he thought I’d pursue something more with Haru, and to be honest, I might have if things were different.  The rivalry between Haru and me has a flair of passion, a need to put everything we have into each race, and I’ve never met anyone who could excite me as much as he does.

But after everything that’s happened, after the things I experienced in Australia, I don’t need that excitement outside of the pool.  I need safety and security, and Makoto offers both of these and more.  We balance each other out, and with every passing day, I realize how _right_ it feels.

* * *

 

There are times when I wish he would just let loose and tear into someone.  I’ll intentionally provoke him just to get a reaction out of him, but the result is always the same.

I know it’s not his fault that the service at the restaurant was ridiculously slow.  It’s not his fault that we were caught in a downpour when he walked me back to my dorm.  I know that he can’t control the weather, but I try to blame him anyway.

He’s still apologizing as I wring the water out of my shirt, still giving me that placating smile, and it only annoys me more.

“Rin, you should put dry clothes on so you don’t get sick before regionals,” he tells me.  “You’re still soaked.”

“And whose fault is that?” I snap, and my appreciation for his concern remains carefully hidden beneath a façade of anger.  “This is the last time I let you pick where we’re going to eat.” Turning my back on him, I grab the nearest towel.  “Next time it looks like it’s going to rain, we’re ordering take-out, and you can fucking deal with it.”

I wait for him to argue, to tell me that I’m being unreasonable, but his voice remains quiet with his agreement.  When I turn my head to glare at him, he looks like a kicked puppy, and I immediately regret the ration of shit that I just dished out to him.

“That’s okay,” he says softly. “We can pick up whatever you want.”  My own apology dies in my throat as he starts towards the door.  “I’m really sorry, Rin.”

The look in his eyes stabs me right in the chest, smothering all traces if irritation. Dammit.  Why do I always have to be such an asshole? Rushing forward, I place a hand on his shoulder, and thankfully, he stops.  I can’t afford to fuck up one of the few good things I have in my life.

“Makoto, wait.” I can’t hide the pleading tone in my voice, and I hate it.  I hate how the mere thought of hurting him crushes my need to be right.  And I hate the ways his smile doesn’t reach his eyes when I speak again. “I didn’t mean it. I’m tired, and the weather sucks, and you didn’t know that our waiter was going to be an idiot.”

For a few seconds, I’m terrified that I pushed him too far. He says nothing at first, but relief washes over me when he turns around and brushes his lips against mine.  Still, I can’t force the words _I’m sorry_ out.  He deserves at least that much.

“It’s fine,” he assures me.  “I’ll call you tomorrow, alright?”

I manage to nod, but words elude me. I don’t want to let go and watch him walk out the door.  As much as he acts understanding, his eyes tell a different story. There’s something there just below the surface but I can’t figure out what the hell it is. It occurs to me that maybe I’ve taken his gentle mannerisms for granted; maybe there’s another side to him that I haven’t seen. The dread settling in my stomach tells me that maybe I don’t want to.

* * *

 

I’ve only witnessed Makoto’s anger once, and I decided right then and there that I never wanted to see it again. I should probably feel guilty that I’m glad it wasn’t directed at me, but after watching Makoto beat the shit out of the guy who later left in an ambulance, I don’t.

His rage starts as a slow burn, and it seems like he usually manages to extinguish it before anyone knows it’s there. I know what to look for now, but I don’t think I’m enough to quell the flames before they spiral out of control.

Makoto doesn’t smile when his thoughts take him to those places, and that’s the first indication that something isn’t right.  His expression is blank; even his eyes are empty and cold.

I try to distract him, to bring him back to safer waters, and most of the time, I’m successful. It’s the times when I’m sure I’ve failed that scare the hell out of me. 

A shadow of a smile graces his lips for the briefest of seconds, but there’s no warmth behind it.  He looks like the Makoto I know and love, but he isn’t, and I hope like hell that he hasn’t figured out that I can see right through him.  There’s something dark hiding under the soft, calm exterior, and I know better than to follow him when he walks away.

* * *

Some weekends, I don’t see him until late Sunday evening.  His reasons are believable – extra practice at Iwatobi, family camping trip, babysitting the twins – but when he stops by my dorm afterwards, the rusty flakes under the edges of his fingernails remind me of dried blood. I don’t question it; I don’t think I want confirmation that my guess is correct.  He doesn’t bring it up either, and I pretend not to notice it when he gives me one of his best smiles.

“I missed you,” he whispers as his strong arms hold me close. “I’m sorry we couldn’t go out this weekend.”

“Stop with the goddamn apologies already.”  The thoughts of where he’d been or what he might have done are gone. My sweet, gentle Makoto is back, and the sense of safety returns as I stand there, leaning against his chest. “Roommate’s not back until tomorrow. Some bullshit with his family.”

It’s all I need to say in order to prompt his hands to start sliding down my back.

 

Makoto handles sex the same way he seems to handle everything with me. I’ll ask him over and over again to just let go and _fuck_ me already, but he’s always reluctant to comply.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he breathes, and his slow, careful thrusts are not nearly enough.

Don’t get me wrong. Generally speaking, I love it when he’s on top of me, and I have absolutely no complaints when it comes to his size. I don’t think anyone can fill me the way he does, and I don’t really care to find out.

But he knows that I like it rough, and I can tell him that I’m not some fragile little flower until I’m blue in the face, and he still doesn’t get it. _I don’t want to hurt you._ Dammit, doesn’t he understand that that’s exactly what I want?

It isn’t until I sink my teeth into his shoulder that it finally clicks. Something changes in that moment, and his hips snap forward harder than I expect. His movements are still fluid, but it’s enough to pull a sharp cry from my throat as my head falls back against the pillow. Makoto doesn’t stop, doesn’t slow. Tears sting my eyes and escape as he pins me down, and each scream and moan is laced with both pain and pleasure. It fucking _hurts_ , but it’s perfect, and I never want it to stop.

Of course, he apologizes afterwards as he brushes the tears from my face, and I don’t even have the energy to tell him to shut the hell up. His brow is creased with worry, but I try to assure him with a tired smile when he settles next to me.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” His soft whisper seems out of place compared to the sounds that I can still hear echoing around me. “Rin? Are you sure I didn’t hurt you?”

“M’fine.” I don’t even know how I manage to answer. I should probably shower, but moving isn’t an attractive idea at the moment; I don’t think it’s even possible. “You staying the night?”

“I can stay for a little while, but not all night. I’m sor-”

“If you say you’re sorry one more time, I’m going to fucking bite you again. And it won’t be in a place that you like.”

His quiet laugh earns him a smile, and I drape an arm over him as sleep claims me. I know that he leaves sometime during the night, but I don’t wake when he does. Instead, he haunts my dreams. Every smile he has makes an appearance, but that cold, dark expressions returns. The blood under his fingernails spreads to coat his arms, splatters on his clothes, and the smile that finally spreads on his lips is absolutely terrifying.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares linger even after Rin awakens, but the reality can be far more terrifying than a dream.

I can barely breathe when the sound of the door closing wakes me, and I scramble to sit up, curling in on myself before I realize that I’m back in reality. There’s no sign of Makoto, no cold grin to send shivers up my spine, just Sousuke staring at me like I’ve lost my damn mind.  Who knows? Maybe I have.

“Nightmares again?” he asks.

“I’m fine.”

My reply is sharper than intended, but I can’t find it in myself to apologize. Glancing up at him, I can tell that he wants to argue the point because we both know that I’m definitely _not_ fine. The glare that I shoot him stops the debate before it can even begin.

“We’re going to be late for practice,” he says instead.

I can’t decide if he’s trying to change the subject because he knows that I don’t want to talk about it or if he’s simply not in the mood to put up with my shit today. I’m pretty sure it’s the latter, but I just nod mutely, unable to even come up with a snarky retort.

Up until last night, I’d been looking forward to today’s joint practice with Iwatobi, but something feels off the minute the other team enters the building. Nothing looks out of the ordinary as I look over the group, and I start to relax as I watch my sister’s eyes widen as she looks around at the Samezuka team. Some things never change.

I almost start to laugh before I catch a glimpse of Makoto discussing something or other with Haru.  Makoto isn’t smiling, and the icy touch of fear prickles along the back of my neck. It’s stupid and irrational, but my throat closes up the longer I watch him.

“You’re up.”

Sousuke’s voice helps me shake off the momentary paralysis, and I square my shoulders as I shed my jacket and head to the starting block. For once, I’m not in the mood for the usual trash talk as Ryugazaki steps up beside me, but at least I can plaster a smirk on my lips as I snap my goggles.

I can feel Makoto’s eyes on me when I lean down in preparation to spring, and my reaction time is a fraction of a second off when the signal sounds to start the match. Making up the distance isn’t too much of a challenge, though. Ryugazaki has definitely improved, but there’s no way that he’s faster than I am.

* * *

 

I remain in the locker room long after my team goes back to the dorms, and even the steaming hot water pouring over me fails to ease the tension in my muscles. Even though practice is over, I can’t seem to catch my breath, and every time I close my eyes, nightmarish images taunt me.

“Rin?”

Makoto’s voice is soft, and I hate how I jump at the sound of it, losing my footing on the slick floor before I manage to regain my balance. Heat burns on my cheeks as I find myself unable to meet his questioning gaze, the panic from earlier cutting off any attempt to speak.

“Hey.” His voice is closer, and he hooks a finger under my chin to turn my head towards him. “Rin, what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine.” My voice is too strained for the lie to be even remotely believable, but I force myself to look up at him. The gentle smile matches the concern in his eyes, and I tell myself again that this is Makoto, and I’ve always felt safe with him.  Why should some stupid dream change any of that? “Really, I’m okay. You don’t need to fucking coddle me.”

“Bullshit.” I hadn’t noticed that Sousuke had joined us, and I can’t decide whether I should be relieved or annoyed. “Your timing was off during practice. What’s going on with you, Rin?”

Suddenly, I feel cornered. Behind the gruff exterior, I can tell that Sousuke is worried, and the look on Makoto’s face hides nothing. It’s more than I can deal with right now, and I’m backing up towards the wall before I can stop myself, anger and unease mingling in the pit of my stomach, causing a sickening conflict of emotions.

“Like you have room to talk,” I fire back.  “You didn’t even fucking swim today. Worry about yourself before you try to baby me.”

It’s a cheap shot and I know it, and there’s no missing the hurt in Sousuke’s eyes no matter how hard he tries to hide it behind outrage. My hands are clenched into fists at my sides, and I leave the water running as I shove past both of them.

“Fuck it.  I’m outta here.”

* * *

 

I stop by my room only long enough to get changed.  The walls are too enclosing, and my hands are still shaking when I pull the tank top over my head. I need air, curfew be damned. Grabbing the first hoodie that catches my eye, I head out, letting my feet take me wherever the hell they want.

Solitude helps, and as the sun dips below the horizon, I realize what a jackass I’d been. All of that over a stupid dream. There’s no reason why it should have affected me like that, and I begrudgingly realize that I owe both Makoto and Sousuke an apology.

Instead of calling either of them, I stare down at the phone in my hands as I lean on the rail of the bridge, trying to convince myself to swallow my pride and just _talk_ to them. I’m losing my mind, and I can’t seem to pull myself together enough to at least try to be a decent human being.

_You can do this_ , I tell myself, only half believing it. _Stop losing your shit and fix this._

I settle for a text message to Sousuke – _Sorry for acting like a dick earlier. Shouldn’t have said that. We can talk when I get back if you want_ – and his reply is little more than an acknowledgment of the sentiment.  Great. He’s probably still going to be pissed when I get back to the school, but I’ll find a way to make it up to him.

Makoto’s voice mail greets me when I try to call him, and now I know that I’ve fucked up whatever we have beyond repair. Tears are definitely _not_ escaping my eyes, and if anyone even hints that my voice is wavering with the message then I’m going to have to kick someone’s ass.

“Hey, it’s me.  Look, I’m sorry about earlier.  I didn’t sleep well last night, and I’ve felt like shit all day. Call me back when you get this. I really want to see you tonight.”

There’s a sense of finality when I end the call, and I find myself hoping that he just didn’t get to his phone in time, that he’ll call me right back. But my phone doesn’t ring, and okay, _maybe_ I’m crying now because how the hell did I manage to screw things up this badly?

Another half hour passes, and I’m still standing on the bridge waiting for a call that isn’t going to come. It’s tempting to just throw my phone over the railing, but I shove it into my pocket again as I turn for home. My legs are leaden, shoulders heavy, but at least I’m breathing almost normally.

The sound of approaching footsteps comes out of nowhere, and I pause to step out of the way before I recognize the figure approaching.  His expression shows determination, but it’s as if he doesn’t even see me as he blows past.

“Makoto!” For a second, I think that he’s not going to stop, but a sigh of relief escapes when he skids to a halt. It takes another moment before recognition and confusion fill his eyes, and I close the distance quickly. “Makoto, please. I was an asshole earlier, and I can’t take it back. Let me know what I need to do for us to be okay again.”

He doesn’t answer me, and my heart sinks. It’s over, there’s no fixing this, and my heart is shattering into pieces as I reach for him. When he flinches away from my touch, I know I’m close to tears again, but I don’t care. I would cry rivers if it would bring him back to me.

“Run.” His voice is low, and he isn’t even looking at me anymore.

“What?” Now would be the logical time to be scared, but pain is apparently stronger than fear. “Makoto, talk to me. Just hear me out.”

“I said _run!_ ”

I stagger back, shock evident on my face, shaking my head in denial. He’s never raised his voice to me before tonight, and it hits me that maybe this isn’t about us. The slight narrowing of his eyes reminds me of the day he sent some poor bastard to the hospital, and my pulse races beneath my skin as I retreat another step.

“Not until you tell me what’s going on.” Miraculously, my voice is firm despite the frantic pounding of my heart, and I fold my arms over my chest, stubbornly refusing to take another step. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me exactly what the hell I’m supposed to be running from.”

Makoto doesn’t answer, but the smile on his lips does nothing to calm the storm that’s brewing between us. It’s almost malicious, and I can see his calm and gentle façade crumbling as he takes a slow step forward. His fingers brush against my cheek, causing me to suck in a breath, and I have no idea what to expect when he leans close.

The soft whisper in my ear sends a shiver through me for more than one reason, but the single word chills my blood.

“Me.”

Before I can make a conscious decision, I run like hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that the characterization is still okay. I haven't written fanfic in a while before I started this one. Please let me know if anything seems off about them.  
> Again, I owe a huge thank you to urumiya on tumblr for letting me use her comic as inspiration for this fic.  
> I'll be posting this to my personal blog (ladylasa) on tumblr as well.


	3. Chapter Three

My lungs are on fire by the time I make it back to my dorm, and as soon as the door slams shut behind me, I sink down to the floor, head resting on my knees as I pull them up to my chest. I’m surprised that I was even able to run at all. I’ve never experienced that kind of fear before, the kind that paralyzes every fiber of my being, and I still can’t stop shaking.

Deep, ragged breaths fail to bring in enough air.  I can’t catch my breath, can’t even lift my head when I hear Sousuke grumble something unintelligible from the top bunk. I’m still trying to figure out just what the hell is going on, but I do know one thing – whoever I ran into out there certainly wasn’t Makoto.

“If you’re going to sneak back in, you could at least try to be quiet about it.” Of course, Sousuke sounds pissed that I’d woken him up, but I remain on the floor, trembling. “Rin?” There’s concern there now; he’s fully awake, and I hear the dull _thump_ as he lands on the floor. “Rin, what the hell happened?”

I shake my head mutely, not trusting myself to speak. What was I supposed to tell him? That I ran into someone who looked like my boyfriend but ended up scaring the shit out of me? There’s no possible way I can explain it when I don’t even understand it.

“Did something happen between you and Makoto?”

Damn. Sousuke can read me too well, and his tone changes to a mixture of worry and anger when I freeze.

“Rin, did he hurt you at all? Talk to me, Rin.”

It takes a minute or two for me to respond. Technically, Makoto didn’t hurt me, not physically at least, but I have no idea how to respond. Apparently, Sousuke misreads my silence for affirmation, and my head snaps up when he stands.

He’s already mostly dressed, and I can tell by his stiff movements that he’s planning on tracking down my boyfriend. Using the door behind me for support, I make it to my feet, and I hate how weak my voice sounds when I finally manage to form words.

“Sousuke, wait. He… he didn’t hurt me.”

“Then what the fuck happened?” I flinch at the harsh tone, and Sousuke is in front of me barely a second later, his voice softening. “Please just tell me what happened. If you’re this jumpy after seeing him, then something’s wrong.  This isn’t healthy, and if he’s not treating you right, then kick his ass to the curb.”

“It’s not like that.” I can’t meet his gaze as I speak, but I have the distinct feeling that he doesn’t believe me. “Something’s going on with him, Sousuke, and I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like, one minute he’s all smiles and kindness, and then next minute he looks like he’s about to murder someone. Makoto hasn’t been himself lately. Most of the time, he’s sweet and gentle, and I feel safer with him than anyone else in the world, but every now and then…”

My voice trails off, and I finally look up at him, hoping desperately that he understands the point I’m trying to make even though I can’t seem to articulate it. I can practically see the wheels turning in his head as he scowls, unsatisfied with that response. Sousuke is staring at me, his gaze demanding that I finish the thought, and I let out a deep sigh as I look away, combing my fingers through my hair.

“Every now and then he scares the shit out of me.”

That was the truth of it, wasn’t it? Makoto, for all of his smiles and laughter, scared the hell out of me when the smiles vanished.  Without the calming curve of his lips, he was a completely different person, and I wish I knew how to turn him back into the swimmer who had been there for me for so long.

“Have you tried talking to him about it?” It’s a logical question, and I can’t say that the thought never crossed my mind, but I always try to forget those instances when we’re sharing the good times. “Damn it, Rin. Just ask him about it. I’ll go with you if you want.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.” Something about his offer strikes a nerve, and fear melts into anger.

Sousuke doesn’t press the issue, but I have a feeling that he’s going to bide his time and bring it up again later. With a shake of his head, he climbs back up to his bunk, burrowing under the blankets.

“Get some sleep,” he tells me. “We’ve got practice tomorrow.”

* * *

 

Even though I’m exhausted and I need to be on point for practice, I can’t sleep. The look on Makoto’s face, the light brush of his fingers on my skin, and that terrifyingly soft whisper keep me awake, and I keep staring at my phone. Scrolling through the pictures we’ve taken together isn’t helping, but I can’t help it.

I finally manage to catch about an hour of rest, and I feel like absolute shit when my alarm wakes me. The day passes in a haze, but at least I don’t fall asleep in class. I can practically feel Sousuke watching me, probably hiding his concern behind a frown of disapproval. He doesn’t say anything, though, not even in the locker room before or after practice. The buzz of my cell phone is as good a distraction as any, so I focus on that instead of trying to placate my best friend.

_Can I come over tonight?_

Staring at the text message on my phone after I pull it out of my locker, I don’t know how to respond. I _want_ to say yes, but not only am I fucking tired as hell, I’m still a bit shaken up from last night. Then again, I don’t think Sousuke has plans tonight, so it’s not like I’m going to be alone with Makoto.  I’m not sure if I should feel relieved or disappointed. I guess it’s a mixture of both.

_Rin, I’m sorry. I can explain everything if you’ll give me the chance._

If that’s the case, then why hasn’t he already done that?  Hasn’t he had months to tell me what’s been going on?  Instead, he’s left me in the dark.  He probably thinks that I hadn’t noticed the abrupt changes in his demeanor. It’s times like this when I feel like I’m in love with an idiot.

 ** _I’ve got an exam tomorrow_** , I text back. **_So make sure you don’t get here too late._**

I’ll be fine.  Makoto can keep his shit together if Sousuke is there, right?  I sure as hell hope so.

_I’m on my way._

It won’t take him too long to get here from Iwatobi, so I guess I better get my ass moving. The shower helps settle my nerves a little, but any fatigue I’d felt before is just a memory. Grabbing a towel, I can’t help but wonder how he’s going to explain his erratic behavior. There has to be some kind of logical reason.

I can almost convince myself of that by the time I reach my room. 

“Hey, Sou.” 

I stop in the doorway, seeing that the room is empty, and my almost calm nerves are at it again immediately. Crossing the room, I notice the note on our whiteboard – _Had an appointment. I’ll go jogging with you when I get back_ – and a whispered expletive is out of my mouth before I can even process the change in plans.

This is ridiculous, and I know it.  It’s just Makoto, and even if he was acting pretty out of it last night, he wouldn’t be asking to come over if he had plans to do something stupid. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I’ll believe it.

There’s a knock at my door before I’m ready for it, but honestly, I don’t know _when_ I might be ready to face him again. Taking a deep breath that does nothing to quiet the pounding of my heart, I open the door and square my shoulders, giving Makoto my best glare.

His smile is nervous, and his eyes clearly show the apology that he hasn’t yet spoken, but I fold my arms over my chest just to make it clear that I’m not happy. I’m pretty sure the look I’m giving him is enough, but it seems like a good idea to add a little more emphasis to make my point.

Apparently, he understands, and for a second, it looks like he can’t even look me in the eye. I’m good at staring people down, and even though Makoto is the bigger of the two of us, he backs down almost instantly. I watch him rub the back of his neck, awkward silence stretching between us before I step aside.

“Well, don’t stand in my doorway all night.” I almost succeed at sounding as irritated as I look. “Get your ass in here.”

Without waiting for an answer, I turn and take the few steps over to my bed, dropping down onto the bottom bunk. With the tension almost gone now that I know that the Makoto walking into my room is definitely _my_ Makoto, exhaustion is setting in again. It feels good to stretch out, and I watch him carefully place his shoes by the door as he closes it.  As much as I want answers, I don’t think I can really handle them right now.

Right now, I just need him beside me so that I can try to believe that everything is going to be alright.

“Rin, I’m really sorry about last night.” Makoto’s voice is soft as he approaches slowly, and his expression looks like he’s waiting for me to start yelling at him. “I can explain, really I can.”

With a quiet snort, I turn my head to stare at the wall. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see his shoulders drop, and he starts towards the door again, leaning down to retrieve his shoes.

“I didn’t tell you that you had to leave.” My gaze locks with his when he spins to face me again, and I give him a dramatic roll of my eyes as I move over to make room for him. “I’m tired as hell, so just come over here and lie down with me for a little while, okay?”

Makoto brightens immediately, a wide smile spreading on his lips, and I find it nearly impossible to stay mad at him when he looks this adorable. The mattress shifts under his weight, but I only give him enough time to settle before I roll over to drape an arm over his chest, my head resting just below his shoulder.

I really do intend to grab a quick nap, but the heartbeat beneath my palm and the warmth of his body as he wraps an arm around me are making that a challenge.  Maybe I should just try to talk and get some answers from him since sleep might not be an option. Unfortunately – or fortunately, I can’t decide – the blood flow to my brain is changing course to divert itself elsewhere.

A few more minutes pass while I try to keep a handle on myself, but it’s useless even trying. Makoto is here, he’s still the same person I’ve known for years, and he’s in my bed. What else do I really need to know? Oh, and he’s hot.

An easy shift of my weight is all it takes for me to change positions to straddle him, and I can read the question in his eyes as I lean down. I answer with a kiss, gentle at first, but quickly growing more demanding. Taking his lower lips between my teeth, I roll my hips slowly, and his breath hitches as one of his hands tangles in my hair.

There’s no doubt between us in this moment, no uncertainty, and absolutely no hesitation when I push the edge of his shirt up to trace the lines of his abdomen. His hands travel south to slip down the back of my sweatpants, and between his shaky whisper of my name and the perfectly firm squeeze of his hands on my ass, neither of us notice the door open behind us.

“I guess I’m going jogging alone, then.” Sousuke is back, and his voice startles me enough for me to bolt upright, hitting my head on the support panel under the top bunk. “I’ll just grab my running shoes, and you two can get back to…. Well, I’ll be back later.”

Rubbing the back of my head, I look at my roommate with almost as much annoyance as I’d given Makoto, but at least he’s not making a big deal out of it.  Hell, he almost looks amused. As he leaves again, my attention returns to my boyfriend, a challenging grin settling on my lips.

One of these days, I’m going to have to invest in a Do Not Disturb sign.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you so much for the comments and kudos. It really means a lot to me. I'm really glad to see that people are enjoying this.
> 
> Secondly, updates are slower than I'd like, but I've been working hard on my main project. My first book "Lost & Found" is coming out on January 20th, and I've been really busy getting that together and setting up the pre-order option. If you're interested, you can find all of the details at www.darkflamebooks.com. The full synopsis is under the Upcoming Releases section, and if you're really interested, you can pre-order it from the main page.
> 
> You can also toss me a message or see what I'm up to on my tumblr: ladylasa


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first half of this is MakoRin smut, but the plot picks up again afterwards. Going to up the rating after this chapter.

Makoto seems just a little uncertain for a moment, but once he tears his gaze from the closed door and back to me, all traces of hesitation vanish. Before I can even register the action, he pulls my tank top off, casually tossing it to the floor. Apparently, he doesn’t intend to let my challenge go unanswered.

Leaning down for another kiss, I brush my tongue over his lips before working my way down his jawline, and it only takes a second for me to unbutton his jeans. His hips are already moving to match my own, his rapid breaths echoing the urgency of the situation. We have maybe half an hour – an hour at most – before Sousuke gets back, so we’ll have to make good use of our limited time.

I allow myself a few seconds to brush my fingertips over Makoto’s hipbones, and then I climb off of him to cross the room to my desk. There really isn’t any place to keep the essentials by the bed, but the interruption is only a minor inconvenience.

As if he’s read my mind, Makoto has already tossed his clothes to the floor. I can’t help the grin that returns as I saunter back over to the bed. Dropping the small bottle and square of foil onto the mattress, I make a show of sliding my sweatpants down, although I have _never_ seen anyone try to be sexy in sweatpants. I get points for trying, though, right?

Most of the time, I’m perfectly fine with Makoto taking the lead. Not tonight, though. Tonight, I need to be in control. Maybe it’s everything that’s been happening lately getting to me, but I need to have control over at least something, even if it’s just for a little while.

He seems fine with the idea when I settle on him again, and I shift my weight slightly, leaning down to capture his lips again. Tracing my fingers across his chest, I shiver at his touch as his hands trail down my back, and at the moment, everything is perfect. It’s just the two of us, and there’s absolutely nothing to fear. I’m safe in his arms, and the heat rushing through me is a direct result of the feeling of his bare skin against mine.

I don’t even hear when the bottle opens, but the finger easing into me is far from unwelcome. My lips remain locked with his, my tongue exploring his mouth as I try to keep quiet just in case the guys in the next room are there. It’s a difficult task when Makoto slides a second finger in, followed by a third, and it’s damn near impossible when he curls them in a way that makes my back arch and my body tremble.

To say that Makoto is good with his hands is an understatement, but this isn’t nearly enough. I need more, and I need it now. I love that he can read me so well that the moment the thought crosses my mind, his fingers withdraw. Lifting up, I let him position himself once he has the condom on before I slowly sink down onto his cock, a low moan escaping me as I take him in. For a few moments, I remain still, giving myself time to adjust.

As soon as I start rocking my hips, he moves his to match my rhythm. My hands are resting on his chest when I lean back, putting him at just the right angle to make me bite down on my lip to keep from crying out. Everything else is forgotten – his strange mannerisms lately, the encounter last night, and the fear I’d experienced when I returned to my room – and all I can focus on is the way he feels inside me as we both pick up the pace.

Without breaking his stride, Makoto sits up, and my legs wrap around his waist as he whispers filthy words of pleasure and praise in my ear. Maybe it’s the desperation, or the fact that he feels so fucking good, or maybe it’s the way his breath ghosts across my skin, but I know I’m not going to last much longer. He can feel it in the way my body reacts to every motion, and as I bury my moans in his shoulder, his hand slips between us to wrap around my cock.

Heat is pooling in the pit of my stomach, every inch of me is on fire, and the only way I can keep quiet is to bite down on his shoulder as I spiral over the edge of orgasm.  All I can do is ride it out, and soft sounds that are definitely _not_ whimpers escape me as Makoto’s arms tighten around me. His rhythm falters, his muscles tensing as his own climax nears, and barely a few moments pass before he comes as well.

For several minutes, neither of us moves, catching our breaths as we just sit there and hold each other. We both know that we don’t have time to bask in the afterglow, but we can enjoy just a little bit of it. It doesn’t last, though, and the thought of Sousuke returning sometime soon prompts me to lean back.

“I should get cleaned up.” My smile is softer than the usual sharp grin that I give him, and I brush a strand of hair away from his forehead. “I can walk you to the train station when I’m done.”

Makoto only nods, but he holds me for another moment before letting his hands fall away so that I can get up. It always feels a little weird when he slips out of me. The memory of how he feels when we’re writhing against each other and panting with shuddering breaths will stay with me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

* * *

 

I try to shower quickly – I’d already washed my hair after practice so this is just a cursory check to make sure that everywhere else is clean. A grin remains on my lips as I head back towards my room, but when I reach the door, I hear barely restrained voices from inside.

This is bad. This is very bad.

“Listen, Tachibana,” Sousuke says, and I cringe at his tone. “I know you and Rin have this thing, but you didn’t see him when he got back last night. So let me make myself clear – if you hurt him in _any_ way, you’re going to answer to me.”

Thunder rumbles in the distance, but the approaching storm isn’t nearly as unnerving as the one brewing on the other side of the door. I can’t stop either of them, I can’t even move from where I’m standing, and I feel like a child watching the waves crashing with the wind, helpless to prevent the damage.

“I’m glad Rin has a best friend who cares about him as much as you do.” The words would be been comforting were it not for the tone in which Makoto speaks them. His voice is cold, and I’m suddenly glad I can’t see the danger flashing in his eyes. “So I’m going to make _myself_ clear, Yamazaki. If you even think about coming between us, I’ll rip you apart.”

_Move your ass, Matsuoka!_

I don’t want to see what’s waiting for me in my room, but if I stand out here any longer, then their standoff is going to get worse. Taking a deep breath, I somehow manage to stop shaking, squaring my shoulders as I turn the doorknob.  They’re too intent on each other that they don’t notice me at first, so I let the door slam closed behind me as I glare at both of them.

“If you two are done comparing dick sizes, I’d like to get to the station before it starts pouring.” Both pairs of eyes are on me now, and I’m not sure if this is better than watching them try to intimidate each other.  “Makoto, get your shit together so we can go.”

Makoto’s expression registers surprise, but the look in his eyes softens when he nods. Sousuke watches him, one fist clenched at his side. Stepping over to my best friend and roommate, I place a hand on his left shoulder, and when he returns his attention to me, I shake my head. His scowl tells me that this isn’t over, that we’ll be discussing this when I get back, but that gives me a chance to prepare myself for whatever disapproval he’s going to voice.

“Ready?” Makoto asks, and his voice is back to the gentleness that I fell in love with.

With a quick nod, I’m out the door again, and Makoto falls into step beside me. I don’t say anything throughout the walk, and I can catch the concerned glances he’s throwing at me every few minutes out of the corner of my eye. I need to just grow a pair and ask him what the hell is going on with him lately, but as much as I want to know, part of me is terrified of whatever the truth turns out to be.

“Are you going home this weekend?” He breaks the silence first when we arrive at the station. His train isn’t there yet, so it looks like we’ll have a couple of minutes to clear the air. Makoto takes my nod as the only answer he’s going to get. “My family is going camping this weekend, but I’m staying home because we’re having an extra practice on Saturday. We could hang out afterwards, if you want?”

I would love to know how the fuck he manages to sound so timid when he just got done threatening my best friend, and I can’t keep my mouth shut any longer. Turning to face him, I meet his gaze evenly, steeling my resolve.

“That depends.” I try to sound casual, but it doesn’t quite work. “Are you going to start telling me what all of this Jekyll and Hyde shit is all about, or am I going to have to guess which Makoto I’m going to see this weekend?”

_That_ catches him off guard, and his eyes widen before he looks away, hints of red spreading on his cheeks. I refuse to back down though, because damn it, this has gone on long enough, and I shouldn’t be fucking terrified of my own boyfriend. Especially not when I’ve always felt safe with him until recently.

“I didn’t want you to worry.” Makoto’s words are barely audible over the rumbling of the approaching train. “Come by Saturday night, and we’ll talk. I’ll tell you everything, I promise.”

 

* * *

 

I’d been both anticipating and dreading the weekend, but it’s too late to head back to Samezuka now.  I wanted to get here earlier, but my team needed the extra practice, and I couldn’t just leave them to do it without me.  Being Captain comes with responsibilities.

It’s late afternoon, and Sousuke’s attempt at dissuasion is still bouncing around in my head as I step off the train at the Iwatobi station. Makoto stands there, a warm smile on his face, and I instantly relax despite my apprehension.

He promised me the truth, and I need to make sure I listen no matter what it is.  This is Makoto, _my_ Makoto, and I might just be in love with him, so I need to try to find a way to accept whatever he plans to tell me.

This time, the silence when we walk is more comfortable, but it doesn’t stop the questions from threatening to spill out of my mouth. I’m proud to say that I do, occasionally, have some self-control, so I simply walk beside him back to his place.

“Let’s head down to the beach,” he says once I put my bag down.

“Sure.” It’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to watch the sunset over the ocean out here, and okay, maybe I’m a bit of a romantic.

This isn’t exactly an excursion revolving around romance, though. If we want to have any chance of moving forward, then we’re going to have to find some way to talk about what’s been happening lately. No more secrets, no more anxious curiosity, and no more wondering if my boyfriend is some kind of serial killer or something equally disturbing.

We leave our shoes far enough up so that the water won’t take them, and I watch Makoto as we walk, waiting for his great revelation, but not wanting to pressure him any more than I already have. He’s staring out at the ocean, a faint smile on his lips, but his eyes don’t seem focused on his surroundings. They’re turned inward, and he’s probably trying to figure out the gentlest way to drop the bomb.

“You know how I’ve always been scared of the ocean?” He looks at me as he asks the question, and there’s regret in those green eyes. I can’t form words, but he takes my silence as a “yes”. “I always thought there was something hiding out there just beneath the surface, waiting to drag me under.  It turns out, I was right. There _is_ something out there, Rin.”

“I… I don’t follow.” My heart is hammering in my chest, and Makoto is making no sense at all. What the hell does he mean that there’s something out there? What does this have to do with anything?

“I know because I finally saw it.”

He glances out at the ocean again, and when his gaze returns to mine, the smile is gone. I know I don’t want to hear anything else. As much as I wanted to know the truth, fear is tingling up my spine, and it’s all I can do to remain in place instead of running. His next words send my world spiraling out of control.

“I made a deal with it last summer, during the training camp,” he says. “When I drowned.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this. You can find me on tumblr as ladylasa.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin learns what happened that night during the summer training camp, and he has some decisions of his own to make.

The sound of the waves crashing against the shore is the only thing that breaks the silence. I can’t even process what Makoto just told me – it has to be a joke. There’s no other explanation. Makoto’s justification for his behavior lately is nothing more than an attempt to fuck with me, and my confusion boils into anger.

He has to know how much I’ve been on edge, especially after the night he scared the hell out of me during the week. So why can’t he just tell me what his problem is?

One look at his face, at the small, regretful smile, freezes my anger into bone-chilling horror. He’s telling the truth, and the urge to run almost overwhelms me. The knowledge that Makoto was almost gone forever keeps my feet locked into the sand, the familiar sting of tears in my eyes. He’s still here, and that’s at least a little bit comforting, but what did he lose in return for another chance at life? What kind of deal did he have to make? I don’t think I want to know, but he’s obviously expecting me to say _something._

“How?” Maybe that’s too broad of a question, so I wipe my face and try again. “How did it happen? I mean… _what_ exactly happened?”

Makoto smiles gently, like he’d expected that, but he doesn’t answer immediately. Maybe he’s trying to decide what else I can handle, but after dropping a bomb like that, he better not hold anything back. I don’t care what kind of creepy water monster he made a deal with; I’ll kick his ass _and_ its ass if he tries to hold out on me now.

“Do you remember the storm that hit one night during training camp last year?” he asks, pausing only long enough to watch me nod. “Rei wanted so badly to catch up to the rest of us, and he went out by himself that night, right before the storm hit. When I woke up and he wasn’t in the tent, I thought he’d just gone to the bathroom.” Makoto turns his head towards the ocean. “But he was out there, and he needed help.”

I remember waking up in the middle of that night to the sound of rain and thunder, and I’d wondered what the hell those guys were doing when I saw them the next morning. I should have taken that opportunity to reconcile with them – hell, I should have done that the second I got settled at Samezuka earlier in the year – but I was so fucked up and lost in my own drama at the time.

Guilt returns without mercy. I was such a dick towards them, and I couldn’t pull my head out of my ass long enough to even check on them. Maybe if I’d tried to let them back in after Australia, I could have talked Mikoshiba into letting Iwatobi share the pool with us instead of leaving Makoto to face the ocean.

“I almost made it to him.” When Makoto continues, it pulls me out of my current self-loathing, reminding me that this conversation isn’t about me. He hesitates, and I can see the lingering shame in his eyes as he looks down at the sand. “But, I couldn’t.  I couldn’t move and the ocean was trying to take us both. Nagisa swam past me, and he managed to get to Rei, but that was the last thing I saw before I went under.”

I’m suddenly aware of how difficult it is for him to recount the details, and I want to hold him, to comfort him, and to assure him that it’s all over. It isn’t, though, not by a long shot, and dread settles in the pit of my stomach, turning it upside-down as I shiver in the cool breeze.

Makoto has only barely scratched the surface.

“Makoto…” My voice is quiet and cautious, as if by speaking too loudly, I might scare him away. “Look, if you don’t want to get into it, then you don’t have to.”

There’s gratitude in his smile now, as well as resolve. Without even thinking about it, I’ve already made my decision. No matter how fucking terrified I’ve been of the abrupt changes in Makoto’s demeanor, I’m not going to run. I was too much of an idiot to be there for him before, but I won’t turn my back on him now, especially when he’s trusting me with the truth.

“It’s okay, Rin,” he assures me. “I haven’t told the rest of the guys any of this, not even Haru.” I don’t even try to hide my surprise, but he doesn’t comment on it. “I thought it was all over, but that it would be okay because the others could make it back to shore. I almost let go then, and I only had a few regrets. I’d never get to see the twins grow up, I wouldn’t get to swim with everyone again, and I’d never get the chance to find out why you were hurting so badly when you came back to Japan.”

_Oh, no._

I could have handled any reason except for one that included me. He could have made a deal with that bastard so he could keep petting every damn stray cat he sees, and I would have kept my shit together. Knowing that even part of his decision had to do with me is enough to break something deep down inside of me.

My legs fail to keep me standing, but Makoto wraps an arm around me to ease us both down onto the sand. Leaning against him, I fight back choked sobs. I can’t break down like this, not now, not when I know that he can’t just stop recounting that night now that he’s started.

“Go on.” The sound of the ocean almost smothers my whisper, but Makoto nods.

 

* * *

_Faded flashes of lightning and muted thunder aren’t really significant anymore. The fleeting thoughts of everything he’ll never get to experience flash through Makoto’s mind, and sadness melts into resignation. He doesn’t blame Rei – he doesn’t really blame any of them – and he’s just glad that Nagisa is going to get their friend to safety._

_Frantic shouts fade above him, and green eyes close as he accepts his fate. He’s always known that there was something lurking beneath the waves, waiting for him, but now he realizes that it’s just the ocean itself. It generously feeds the small seaside town, but it claims its tribute in turn._

_Makoto wants just one last glimpse of the hazy sky on the other side of the water that serves as the border between his life and his death. He wants his final sight to hold the longing for the stars that the clouds have hidden. It’s hard to smile now, but he does anyway._

_Before his eyes close for the final time, a flicker of movement catches his attention. He writes it off as a hallucination. With his body deprived of oxygen, it makes sense that his brain would conjure images that aren’t really there._

Makoto _._

_He imagines a voice now too, and he decides to indulge in the lapse of reality. The smile remains in place as he pulls his gaze away from his search for hidden stars, and he tries to pinpoint the source of the sound. When he hears his name again, the dark spots growing at the edge of his vision make it difficult to find the speaker, but a faint glow grows closer to him, and he pushes back the fatigue draining his will to remain awake._

Who are you? _Speaking aloud is impossible, and as an afterthought, Makoto realizes that he’d heard his name in his mind instead of in the water around him._ I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do anything for you. I don’t have any time left.

But you could. _There’s a teasing echo in the voice, and he tries to figure out details about the speaker from the few words he’s heard so far. He gives up almost immediately, though, saving his last few moments of consciousness to focus on the games his mind is playing with him._

I’m already dead, aren’t I? _Makoto asks._

Yes, but there’s still a chance to change that.

_He’s intrigued now. His vision clears and he sees the constantly changing figure in front of him, circling him, gently brushing glowing blue tendrils against his skin. Is this really happening? If he’s already drowned, then how could this creature have a way to save him?_

There’s a price, Tachibana Makoto.

_Of course. There’s no way the ocean would give up a life it’s claimed without gaining something in return. What was he willing to sacrifice, though? After a few seconds of thought, the answer is simple. Whatever the price is, it can’t be as bad as dying out here._

Tell me what you want in return. _There’s more conviction in the thought than he’d expected, but this might be the only chance he’s going to get. He could see his family again, he could play with the twins and watch them grow into teenagers and adults, and he could keep swimming with the best friends and teammates he could ever hope for._

_He could find Rin and try to bring him back into their lives._

* * *

“Even if things hadn’t worked out the way they did with you and me, I don’t regret the choice I made,” Makoto tells me. “One second, I was accepting that I was going to die, and the next, I’m being offered another chance to live. I couldn’t say no.”

He doesn’t need to justify his decision to me – or anyone for that matter – but I appreciate it. Hot tears still escape my eyes, but my breathing is almost back to normal. I would have done the same if I’d been in that position. I’m still waiting for the catch, though.

“There’s always been a tentative balance between land and sea,” he continues. “Sometimes one or the other takes too much, and things need to even out again, but sometimes the estimate of what’s really owed is wrong. The spirits who thrive in the ocean thought that people were taking too much, and they wanted me to do something about it, but they hadn’t figured out what.

“At first, the one that I was talking to wanted me to promise to sabotage most of the fishing boats so that they’d never make it back to port. There’s no way that I could have done that, especially not when…”

Makoto trails off, giving me a pointed look, and I can’t meet his gaze for long. My fingernails are digging into my palms, and the grief that I’ve been working so hard to heal rips open again. These spirits, or whatever the hell they were, had asked Makoto to make people drown. It’s one more thing that I’m trying to take in, but there’s still more for me to hear.

“I don’t remember much of the conversation after that, but I know I argued with it,” he continues. “In the end, we reached an agreement, though. I have to convince it that the people here _need_ what they take from the ocean, and the only way to do that is to give the spirits a good look at how we live.”

I’m trying to make sense of this.  There’s something that he’s not saying, and I have a feeling that it’s going to be more of a blow than everything else he’s told me so far. As he looks out at the waves, tinged a deep red as the sun disappears below the horizon, I search his features for a clue of what I’m missing. I find it in the smile that slowly begins to fade at the edges and in the haunted look in his eyes.

“You’ve been carrying that thing around with you ever since, haven’t you?” There’s no accusation in my tone, but I can’t hide the shock and horror.

“Yeah,” Makoto admits. “I have three months left to change its mind, but it’s not really good at being a passenger. There’s so much anger in it, and whenever I start to get upset about something, it tries to take over. Usually, I can stop it, but not always.”

Burying my head against his chest, I squeeze my eyes shut. Makoto has been dealing with this since last summer all alone, and I can only imagine how difficult it’s been for him. I can’t shake the feeling that I could have prevented this, somehow, and the idea strikes me that maybe I can do something about it now.

“What happens after three months if you can’t do it?” I ask him.

“Then it’s going to take over completely until Iwatobi has paid the price the sprits have set.” Makoto leans back enough to look down at me, and the sadness in his eyes doesn’t match the small, upward curl of his lips. “I don’t know what’s going to happen to me afterwards, though.”

There are really only two options – either the damn thing leaves him alone when it’s finished, or it’ll take him back to the ocean with it. I can’t accept the possibility of losing him to the sea. It’s simply not an option.

I shift my position to face him, sitting almost on his lap as I brush a strand of windswept hair away from his forehead. I have to help him, to save him from this, and my hands no longer shake when they rest on his shoulders. Leaning close, my lips find his easily, and I pour everything I have into the kiss. I only pull back barely an inch before I find my voice again.

“Let me take it from you,” I tell him. “People are used to me being an asshole. I can handle this. I just want you to be completely you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been trying to get updates finished with less than a two week gap in between, but I just haven't had much time. The new job is going really well, and I still have parental/spousal things that are important to me at home that I can't ignore. I'm also still working on promoting my novel, Lost & Found.
> 
> Speaking of, there's a giveaway for a free copy of the book on the Darkflame Books tumblr, so feel free to check it out. You can also find the full synopsis on the Darkflame Books website.
> 
> You're also welcome to find me on tumblr as ladylasa.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin's desire to save Makoto brings the realization that he may be in over his head.

He starts to refuse before I’ve even finished the sentence, but I’m not planning on backing down. The mere thought of what I’m asking terrifies me. Hell, I don’t even know if this thing is going to give Makoto any choice in the matter. He’s been carrying it around on his own since last summer, though. I can deal with two months of whatever it tries to make me do.

As he starts to look away, I hook a finger under his chin, gently keeping his gaze locked with mine. My own fear is reflected in those green depths, but there’s something else lurking in the background, a flickering shadow that anyone could overlook. I know better than to dismiss it, and it pulses with interest at my challenge.

_Let him go, you son of a bitch._

My thoughts are as sharp as the grin that spreads on my lips. Makoto flinches from the sudden flare within him, and I can see him fighting to keep everything under control.

“Rin,” he breathes, his eyes pleading. “Stop. I can’t let you do this.”

“I don’t think this bastard is going to leave it up to us, Mako.”

How is it that I can sound so calm when my insides are crawling with dread? I refuse to break eye contact, waiting for the spirit to finish its assessment. Makoto doesn’t deserve the turmoil that’s plagued him since that night. He risked – no, _gave_ – his life for someone else, never letting on that he’s been struggling, and there’s no way in hell that he’s going to hold onto this if I have anything to say about it.

His fingers thread through my hair, silent gratitude in his smile, and I know that I’m doing the right thing. Leaning into his touch, I force myself to relax as he pulls me closer, adjusting my weight so that I’m sitting completely on his lap, facing him. Can he hear my heartbeat? It has to be louder than the crashing waves.

I heard somewhere that people make sacrifices for the ones they love, and it rings true. Makoto made his choice because of the love he has for his friends, for me. My resolve doesn’t waver now, because I think I understand. I have to do this for him because it’s time that someone made the same decision for his sake.

For Makoto, the one with a thousand smiles. The one who would give up everything to see his friends safe and happy.

I’ve had the fleeting thought before that I love him, but the entire concept feels different now. I want to share every one of those smiles with him, to see him free from the shadow that makes them falter. I’m in love with him, and even if his feelings for me fade with time, I can face my reflection knowing that I could save him before it was too late.

“Just let go,” I whisper against his lips. “Everything’s going to work out.”

Makoto melts into my kiss, his lips parting without the slightest hint of resistance. We’ve done this dance dozens of time, but the song is different this time. The tension gradually leaves his shoulders as we pour everything we have into each other, hope and fear and warmth passing between us as the sunset leaves us in near-darkness.

I’m lost in the sea, floating among the waves, but his arms are an anchor against the pull of the tide. As long as he’s holding me, I’ll find my way back to shore. I have to. The spirit of the ocean is dragging me under, filling my mind with storms carrying whispers of destruction. I can’t breathe, water clogging my lungs.

Makoto’s voice is a faint echo, a fading beacon calling me back from the cold embrace that’s claimed countless lives. I hold onto it with everything I have, fighting the ice in my limbs, and as the darkness recedes, a smile of relief greets me.

It worked; I can tell before I even meet his gaze. There’s a presence as old as the sea itself pressing down on my consciousness, clawing at my willpower, demanding control.

_Yeah, that’ll happen. Keep dreaming._

Despite my defiance, I’m in over my head. I may be a damn good swimmer, but I’m just one insignificant human compared to the raw force of nature herself. There’s no way in hell I can hope to control the spirit raging within my body, but I have to fight back. Surrendering would mean not only my own death, but that of who knows how many people.

How did Makoto manage to deal with this without losing his mind?

I’m shaking in his arms, squeezing my eyes shut as I cling to him. He’s the reason I did this, and his solid presence is the only hope I have of keeping my wits about me. Makoto has always been stronger than me – in more ways than one – but I have to be strong for his sake now.

“I’m okay.” My voice is about as steady as the rest of me, betraying the fact that I’m nowhere near okay.

The screams and pleas of thousands of drowned sailors are echoing in my head, the cacophony threatening to drive me mad, and it takes everything I have not to add my own cries to them. If I make it through this, I know that these sounds are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Panicked faces flash behind closed lids, and a choked, helpless sound escapes me.

“Rin.” Again, Makoto cuts through the myriad of stimuli that feels so real, and I try to focus on that. “Rin, I’m here. Just listen to me and block it all out. You can do this; I know you can.”

He sounds so sure of it that I almost believe him. The soft, gentle words match his warm embrace perfectly, and they keep me tied to the present. As long as Makoto is with me, I’m safe, no matter what kind of chaos is raging inside my skull.

Gradually, the tremors cease, the images fading as the screams blend into the splash of waves against sand. I finally dare to open my eyes again, and I see understanding in his smile. Of course he understands; he went through this himself, didn’t he?

“Hey.” It’s a weak greeting, about as weak as the grin that I force onto my lips, but it’s all I can muster at the moment.

“Hey,” he says, reaching up to brush a strand of wet hair out of my face. “You had me worried for a while there.”

I search his eyes for some kind of explanation, because the ordeal couldn’t have lasted more than a few minutes, but when I look up at the sky, the moon and stars are shining down. It was sunset only a few minutes ago, wasn’t it? Apparently not. It has to be nearing midnight by now, and I lower my gaze to meet Makoto’s with a slight shake of my head.

“Sorry,” I mumble. Shaking off the lingering unease, I study his features, and I lean forward to rest my forehead against his. “I think I’m going to be okay now.”

This time, he seems to believe me. His arms tighten around me in silent gratitude, and that makes the whole ordeal worth it. The chill of the wind off of the ocean is nothing compared to his warmth, and I soak it up, letting it chase away the ghosts of past tragedies. For once in my life, I feel like I’ve done something right.

* * *

 

I end up spending the rest of the night at Makoto’s house. It’s late, and we’re both exhausted, but sleep eludes me. Every time I close my eyes, the same visions from earlier replay in vivid detail. I probably won’t sleep through the night again, even after this whole mess is over.

Makoto sleeps soundly beside me, the even rise and fall of his chest comforting. I wonder if this is the first full night of sleep he’s gotten since last summer. I don’t regret my choice. Sleep and peace are small things to sacrifice when it comes to him.

My head rests against his chest, one of his arms still wrapped around me as I lazily sling one over him. I can forget the fear of the past few months and the trials waiting for me as long as I’m here with him. My fingertips traces the lines of muscle on his stomach, and I try to keep the touch as light as possible so as not to wake him. If I end up losing myself before this is all over, I want to at least have him burned into my memory. I can forget everything else, but not Makoto.

He shifts in his sleep, his eyes blinking open, and he smiles down at me when I look up at him. I feel a little guilty about disturbing him, but the slow brush of my fingers doesn’t stop. His hand slides down from my shoulder, trailing down my side to my hip before he pulls me even closer against him, and the momentary guilt vanishes beneath a wave of desire.

It’s stronger than before, but I’m not exactly capable of questioning it right now, not when Makoto is pulling me over to lie on top of him and both of his hands are traveling down my back beneath the waistband of my pajama pants. Neither of us had bothered with a shirt when we went to bed earlier, and his bare skin is hot against mine.

Everything feels so much sharper, more intense, and his mouth is warm and eager when my lips claim it. I know I’ve always been sensitive, especially to Makoto’s touch, but this is something different, and it barely registers that the change has something to do with the events of earlier. Strength and need are coursing through me, I could take him in any way I wanted, and my hips grind against his, demanding more contact.

Makoto responds in kind, his touch more insistent than ever, and he flips us over to press down on top of me. Defiance rears its head as my teeth catch his lip, but he stops my wandering hands by pinning my wrists above my head. I consider breaking free, because I want to claim him, mark him as my own, use up every bit of him until he’s spent, but a sliver of reason cuts through the primal urges boiling in my veins.

This is why he’s always been so careful with me. It would be so easy to give in and break him, and I’d make sure he enjoyed it, but that’s not what he needs. I recognize the same concern in him that I’d felt. He needs to know that I’m still me, that I’m still _his_ Rin, and for that, he needs to be in control.

My head tips back as his lips trail down to my throat, and his weight presses down on me. The shivers across my skin and the arch of my back beneath him send a clear enough message.

_I’m still me._

_I’m still yours._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I'm so incredibly sorry that I took so long to update this. The delay is partially due to a lack of spare time. My focus on "Waiting for Darkness" and a general lack of inspiration on what to do with this one also played a part. Hopefully, this chapter will make up for the ridiculous wait.
> 
> But hey! I managed to update both fics this week :)

A sea of endless azure surrounds me. I can barely see the surface so far above, but the initial fear vanishes when I realize that I can breathe beneath the waves. It feels like home, as if the time I’d spent on land was nothing more than a lingering dream. There’s a chill accompanying the depth of the ocean, but as long as I keep moving, it isn’t so bad. Freedom and exhilaration course through me as I cut through the water, the presence of sharks unworthy of concern.

They greet me as their own, a long lost brother returned at last, and I lose track of the time as they lead me further from the shore. Everything I need is right here. The people living in the small fishing town are simply passing faces in memories, and a laugh escapes me as I turn over before I start to sink.

My arms are rendered useless as my back hits the ocean floor, my gaze flicking down to stare at the grey tail that begins at my hips. _What the fuck?_ This is wrong, so, so wrong. At that moment, I notice the glaring absence of the one person missing – Makoto. Maybe I saved him, but we were supposed to save each other, weren’t we?

* * *

 

The pale white ceiling greets me instead of the hazy surface of the ocean, but my relief lasts for a scarce few seconds. Air fills my lungs before my chest constricts with panic, and I glance around frantically for Makoto. I’m alone, still in his bed, lying on my back, and I can’t fucking _move_. A cry for help dies in my throat as a pathetic whimper, tears stinging my eyes as helplessness overtakes me.

_Are you willing to pay the price that comes with your decision?_

That voice, filled with amusement and mockery, should have sent rage through me, but it only fuels my desperation. My mind can’t form a coherent response, and the spirit’s laughter echoes through it, bringing a fresh wave of terror. I only know what would happen to Iwatobi if I fail to convince it to leave; I have no clue what it plans to do to me regardless of if I succeed or not.

I swear, my heart is about to break out of my chest, and my breaths are short and ragged by the time Makoto returns with two steaming mugs. His gentle smile melts into concern when he sees me. He has to be able to read the horror in my eyes, and I watch him set the mugs down quickly – spilling some of the liquids – before he rushes to my side.

“Makoto,” I barely manage to breathe out, and I can’t even be certain that he hears me.

“Rin, what’s wrong?” He sounds as frightened as I feel. “What happened?”

“Can’t…” My throat threatens to close up with the attempt, but I can’t give in now. There’s no way in hell that I’m going to let this bastard win that easily. “Can’t… move.”

Despite the fear clawing at my chest, my breath evens out, drowsiness threatening to plunge me back into the ocean from the dream. My eyes drift closed, and I can barely feel the warmth of Makoto’s hands on my bare shoulders. Sleep would bring peace if I would just allow it, but the thought isn’t my own, and I know it. If I succumb to unconsciousness, I may not wake up as myself.

“Help me up.” My voice is hoarse, but at least I can speak above a whisper now.

Thankfully, he doesn’t hesitate. Strong arms pull me up, leaning my back against the headboard, and feeling begins to return to my arms. I don’t want to look under the blanket, though. I’ve only glimpsed a fraction of the spirit’s power, and for all I know, the changes I saw when I was asleep may have carried over to the waking hours. In a rush of annoyed defiance, I pull the blanket aside just enough to glimpse my legs, which are still where they’re supposed to be, and relief floods through me.

“Rin, what happened?” Makoto repeats, sitting down beside me as he hands me one of the mugs. I’m expecting tea, but coffee is a pleasant surprise.

“Did you have any weird dreams after that training camp last summer?” I’m not avoiding the question exactly, but maybe this will tell me if I can blame the passenger in my head or if I’m just going crazy. “I mean, did you ever wake up and still feel some part of the dream was real?”

“It’s been kind of hard to figure out whether I’ve been awake or asleep since then,” he says softly. “Last night was the first night that I didn’t dream about the ocean. It was always similar, though. I wasn’t afraid of it, even though I was underwater.”

“It felt like you belonged there, didn’t it?” I wait a moment for him to confirm it, but I already know the answer. His small nod convinces me further. “That’s how it was for me, but I was half fish.” It’s embarrassing as hell to say it aloud, and heat rushes to my face as I look down. “Everything was fine until I rolled over, but once I was upside down, it’s like I was paralyzed or something. When I woke up, the feeling was still there.”

As I drink my coffee, just to have something to focus on that doesn’t involve our situation, I do everything I can to ignore the voice in my head. I’ve been mocked before, and while it still pisses me off on some level, I have a point to prove. I’m not going to let this thing win. So, I ignore it, which is definitely _not_ what it wants. Knowing Makoto, he’d been trying to placate it ever since he made that deal, but I’m not Makoto, and I don’t always play nice with the other kids. Especially when this particular kid wants to destroy my home town and everyone in it.

“What time do you need to be back?” he asks, and I’m incredibly grateful for the change in subject.

“As long as I’m there by curfew tonight, I’ll be fine.” Even if I’m a little late, it’s not like I’ve never been out after hours before. Feeling a little more like myself, I nudge him with my knee and paste a smirk on my lips. “Trying to get rid of me so soon?”

I will admit, without even the slightest bit of hesitation, that I’m an asshole, and the way Makoto’s eyes widen as he stammers is both adorable and hilarious. After what happened on the beach last night, and considering that I’m still naked in his bed under the blanket, he still gets so flustered when I crack jokes like that. At least I don’t have to worry about him snapping anymore, and that thought is probably a lot more comforting than it should be.

“Makoto, relax.” I can’t help but laugh as I shake my head. “I’m all yours today.”

* * *

 

I can ignore the persistent annoyance in my head throughout the afternoon by keeping my focus on spending time with Makoto. He’s much more relaxed now than I’ve seen him in months, but concern still lingers in his eyes whenever he looks at me. He thinks I don’t notice it, but even beneath the warm smile, it’s obvious.

Once I’m alone on the train, however, the spirit presses against my consciousness, angry and insistent. I should probably be worried, but I’ve written it off as an inconvenience and decided to nickname it Minnow, which serves to piss it off further. Good. It’s only fitting that I refer to it as something small and insignificant, even though that’s exactly how it views me.

_We are leaving Iwatobi_ , it hisses in my mind, full of rage.

_Observant_. Maybe I shouldn’t be so flippant with it, but Minnow has made our lives difficult for most of the past year, so its comfort isn’t exactly high on my list of priorities. _I have to get back to school, so pipe down already._

I spend the rest of the trip doing everything I can to ignore it, which proves to be a challenge when images of destruction flash through my mind. The shattered wreckage of my home town is the central focus, and the sea water rushing through the streets washes along pieces of houses and shops, reclaiming them. If Minnow thinks that this is going to break me, then it obviously doesn’t know me as well as it thinks it does. If anything, I’m even more determined to beat this thing.

_I can give you everything you want_. Oh, great. Now it wants to change tactics. _I know your ambitions, and with my help, you can achieve them easily. All you have to do is submit._

_Fine,_ I snap. _How about you give me my dad back?_ Silence. _Yeah, that’s out of the question, isn’t it? Fuck off._

So much for being in a good mood. My fingers grip the strap of my bag a bit tighter than necessary, nails digging into my palm as I stalk up to my room. The door slams closed behind me, a few expletives escaping my lips, and I toss my bag on the floor before dropping onto the lower bunk. Sousuke shifts on the top bunk, and I make sure to lie down on my side just in case the effect from this morning decides to return.

“What’s with you?” he asks. “I figured you’d be on cloud nine after spending the weekend with Tachibana. Am I going to have to kick his ass?”

“I’m fine.” It’s a blatant lie, but hopefully, he won’t press the issue. “Everything’s fine between me and Makoto. I’m just tired.”

Sousuke doesn’t buy it; I can hear him climbing down, but my back is to him. He doesn’t need to know what happened last summer, and he sure as hell doesn’t need to get involved in the mess Makoto and I are facing. The less he knows, the safer he’ll be.

“I’m calling bullshit.” I don’t have to look at him to know that he has that determined expression on his face. Sousuke may be a little rough around the edges, but he’s nothing short of a great friend. He’s worried – I can hear it in his voice – and it wouldn’t be fair to ignore that. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but if he did something, then I’d like to think that you trust me enough to tell me.”

That stings, and I cringe, curling into myself before laughter in my head brings a fresh surge of anger. I will not lose to this thing, and I sure as hell refuse to let it push away my friends. Sitting up, I’m determined to pull myself together, and my legs swing over the side of the bed so that I can rest my elbows on my knees.

“Makoto and I had a great time,” I begin. “We had a really long talk last night and sorted out a lot of things. I’ll spare you the details on the rest of the night.” The memory of being in Makoto’s arms, of the feeling of him inside me, brings a grin and a bit of color to my face. “He’s a good guy, Sou. I know he comes off as overprotective, but he had a good reason.”

When I life my gaze to Sousuke’s, his expression shifts from skepticism to confusion, and he’s quiet for a minute or two. The way he’s staring at me is alarming, causing my grin to fade. Something’s wrong, and either he isn’t sure how to say it or he isn’t sure if he _should_.

“Did you get contacts or something?” he asks. I shake my head, adding my own confusion to the mix. “Rin, your eyes…”

There’s an edge to his voice, spurring me into motion, and I rush to the closet to stare in the full-length mirror on the door. Blinking once, I stare at my own reflection. It’s a minor change, but it’s a change nonetheless. I’ve always liked the red color of my irises, but Minnow lets a triumphant snicker bounce around in my skull.

Blue swirls within scarlet before the colors continue to blend, and I blink a few times, hoping it’s just a trick of the light. Within moments, all traces of red are gone, and my gaze is locked with the reflection of deep violet staring back at me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the huge delay.

It only takes a second for me to realize that I can’t tell Sousuke the truth, but I have to tell him something. The problem is, he can smell bullshit from a mile away. I can’t let him get involved in this, though, and I’m too busy staring at my reflection to concoct a believable explanation.

“Rin?” he prompts, moving to stand behind me.

His tone is cautious but I can see the hidden concern in his expression when I finally tear my gaze away from the strange eyes that I can’t even recognize as my own. Makoto was able to keep this from me for months; I should be capable of doing the same, even when it comes to my best friend. I have to. I wonder if he can read the fear on my face? The way his features shift to a mixture of concern and apprehension is a good indicator, and I look away as I turn to move past him.

“Rin,” he says again, but I can look at him or else I know my resolve will crumble. “Tell me what’s going on. Please.”

“I’m going down to the pool,” I tell him. “I didn’t have a chance to swim today.”

To my surprise, he leaves it at that, but he still follows me when I head out of the room. Our muffled footsteps on the carpet are the only sounds in the corridor, and he remains quiet until the humid air of the natatorium fills my lungs.

“I would’ve thought you’d be worn out from your wild Saturday night with your boyfriend,” he says, and I can _hear_ the smirk in his voice.

White-hot anger flares, but before I can recognize the irrationality of it, pain explodes in my shoulder. The wall against my face is cool, but Sousuke’s breath is warm on my neck as he twists my arm behind me. I don’t even remember moving, and my mind races to piece together the events of the past thirty seconds. The memory eludes me, but a faint laugh of amusement provides at least one clue.

“Sousuke, what the _fuck_?” I try to sound pissed, but the tremor in my voice tells me that I failed. “Let me go.”

“You’re the one who took a swing at me,” he snaps. “What the hell is your problem?”

Reluctantly, he releases his grasp on my arm, and I roll my shoulder a few times as I turn to face him. His muscles are tense, eyes wary as if I might attack him at any second. He’s not entirely wrong. The pain gradually subsides, but the memory of it lingers, reminded me that I’d erupted into violence over something so trivial. Sousuke cracks jokes about Makoto and me all the time, so there’s no way that he could have predicted my reaction.

“Sorry,” I mumble, looking away. “I’m still a bit on edge, I guess. I don’t know what came over me.”

Sousuke is my best friend – I can’t afford to lose him over this. Maybe that makes me selfish. If I had to choose between him and Makoto, I’d be screwed. They both mean too much to me – albeit in different ways – and I’d drown before I’d let anything happen to them. Isn’t that why I’m in this mess, now?

 _If you tell him, he will share your fate_.

Terror wraps its icy fingers around my heart when I can’t determine if the thought is my own or not, and it takes everything I have to keep the fear from showing on my face. Silence is my only option. Without another word, I head to the locker room to change, and thankfully, he doesn’t follow me this time. He’s watching me when I return, though, studying my every movement, but I refuse to acknowledge the scruitiny.

Sousuke remains on the bench while I swim, and I push myself beyond the point of exhaustion. My arms and lungs are on fire, every breath fanning the hot coals in my chest, but I keep going until I’m on the verge of collapsing. I barely manage to haul myself out of the water before dropping onto the tiles, my breath coming in labored gasps. I don’t want to think; I want to sleep and pretend that this is just some crazy dream that my brain conjured.

I very nearly get my wish before a hand gently shakes my shoulder. Sousuke’s voice echoes around me, and I’m pretty sure that I heard my name a few seconds ago, but I’m so tired. _Then sleep. I’ll handle this._ My eyes snap open instantly, but my arms refuse to obey my commands when Sousuke rolls me over onto my back. Relaxation seeps into my core, and while I’m definitely not happy about the fact that I can’t move again, at least I’ll have a chance to rest.

 _Not this shit again._ I have the presence of mind to recognize that thought as my own. Sousuke’s features betray his concern, but I only manage a weak smile before my eyes drift shut. He’s grasping my shoulders, calling my name, and only another moment passes before I hear his footsteps retreating across the floor.

“What the fuck did you do to him, Tachibana?” He’s pissed, and while I almost understand why, yelling at my boyfriend isn’t going to magically change anything. “Well, you must have done something, because he’s on the floor and not moving.” There’s a pause, and Sousuke swears under his breath. “Whatever. Just get your ass over here and _fix_ it!”

His footsteps draw near again, and he carefully rolls me onto my side. Makoto must have told him to do it. Feeling returns to my limbs, but I’m reluctant to move, exhaustion sinking deep into every inch of my body. Somehow, I’m on my feet again a moment later, words leaving my lips without any conscious thought on my part.

“Much better.”

“Rin?” Sousuke’s tone is cautious, and he obviously knows that something isn’t right. “Rin, are you okay?”

“Never better,” I respond.

As I start towards the locker room, it occurs to me that I’m simply a passenger in my own body, and the realization is terrifying. Sousuke is quick to follow, but Minnow decides that he isn’t worth acknowledgment anymore. I don’t even bother to shower, stripping out of my wet legskins and pulling on my clothes before heading back out towards the doors.

My destination isn’t the dorms this time, and I fight to regain control as the night air greets me, but it’s a pointless battle. I let my guard down, allowing the spirit to take over, and all I can do is come along for the ride.

“Rin, wait!” Sousuke catches up easily, blocking my path. “Where the hell are you going?”

“Out.” Right, because _that’s_ an acceptable answer. “Get out of my way, Yamazaki.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

I never refer to him by his surname; I haven’t in years. His suspicion is growing, and as I start to walk again, his fingers curl around my upper arm to stop me. Slowly, my gaze flicks down to his hand before rising to meet his, and the look on his face registers surprise and maybe a hint of fear. Wrenching my arm from his grasp, I look towards the gates, my steps starting towards it once more.

“Rin, will you hold on for one goddamn minute?”

“Rin's not available right now.” My voice sounds cold, so unlike it should. Sousuke stops and stares at me for a moment, and the spirit is pleased by his reluctance to continue the debate. “Do not follow me.”

I’m screaming in my mind at this point, fighting desperately to take back my body before this watery jackass wrecks everything beyond repair. I can feel its amusement, its satisfaction, and it only pisses me off.

Despite the warning, Sousuke follows at a safe distance. I recognize the path to the train station, and it hits me that this son of a bitch is taking me back to Iwatobi. Well, not if I have anything to say about it. Unfortunately, my protests continue to have no effect, but as we reach the station, Makoto is waiting on the platform. Between him and Sousuke, they might be able to stop me from racing off into the ocean.

My pace remains consistent, barely allowing a glance to my boyfriend as I stop to wait for the next train. Makoto exchanges a few words with Sousuke, but Minnow refuses to allow me to hear any of it. _They are not worth our notice_ , it says.

 _Like hell, they’re not!_ Anger seems to fuel its power, so I try to tone it down a notch. _Look, we can’t go back there right now. We’ll go next weekend, but don’t you realize that I have to be here? I can’t just blow off class and practice. I have a life that I’ll be getting back to once this is over._

_Still so naïve._

I choose to ignore the remark, because this has to end once these next few months are over. I’m going to have a life after this, hopefully with Makoto, and some day I’m going to stand on the world stage. That’s how this is supposed to go. The water spirit’s vague hints that our agreement is going to last more than a couple of months casts a shadow on my aspirations, though, and I can’t quite shake the dread that sinks into my bones.

“Rin?” Makoto greets tentatively, stepping away from Sousuke. “Rin, I know you can hear me, so just listen to me for a minute, alright?”

 _Ignore him,_ the spirit orders as I move away. I can see the light of the train approaching, and I’m fighting to regain control again. If I get on the train, then this thing is going to drag me out to the ocean. There’s no way around it, so the only way to make sure that doesn’t happen is to somehow stay on this platform.

“Mako…”

There’s a small sense of victory when I speak, but it doesn’t last. Hopefully, he heard the plea in my voice. His smile fills my vision, and I cling to the sight of it, using it to anchor me just long enough to make it count.

“I’m here, Rin,” Makoto says gently. “It’s a little late to be heading to the beach, so why don’t we go back to the dorms, okay?”

“No.” The word comes out short and clipped, but I force my body to stay still when the train pulls into the station. “If you insist on being a part of this, then come to the water.”

“I can’t do that, Rin,” he says. “And neither can you.” His tone changes then as his voice lowers, and it’s clear that he isn’t talking to me anymore. “We had a deal. It’s not time yet.”

“I am tired of waiting,” my voice responds.

“So, you’re going to go back on your word?” Makoto asks. “You can’t have him. He’s not yours to take.”

“He agreed to this. You are out of time, and his unwillingness to cooperate has helped me to make my decision.”

“Tachibana, what the hell is going on?” Sousuke sounds frightened now, but he hides it behind a mask of aggression. “Rin, come on. Snap out of it, already.”

“He agreed to let you in so you could see things through his eyes,” Makoto continues, ignoring Sousuke’s question. “Not for you to change things before our deal is over.”

The doors of the train slide open before me, and Makoto grabs my shoulder to keep me in place. With a snarl, I push him away, sending him staggering back into Sousuke, but my apology won’t move past my lips. The car is empty when I step inside, and I turn around just as the doors whisper closed, cutting me off from both of them.

Triumph shines back in the eyes of my reflection, and the spirit’s satisfaction sends a chill through me.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than the others, but I reached a good stopping point and had to cut it off there.

The wind whips at my hair as I walk through the quiet streets of Iwatobi.  It’s peaceful – this is the kind of town that rolls up its sidewalks at dusk – except for the dark clouds forming on the horizon. My thoughts blend with the spirit’s, making it difficult to determine which ones are mine, but I don’t have to rush. Makoto and Sousuke have to wait for the next train, and by the time they catch up to me, it’ll be too late.

Taking a deep breath of salty air, I make my way down to the beach, cool sand pressing against my bare feet.  I should be terrified of what’s to come, but a sense of purpose overshadows everything else. I have a job to do; there’s no turning back now. For several long minutes, I simply watch as the turbulent waves grow ever more violent, signaling the impending destruction. The sleepy town behind me will be nothing but a memory when I’m finished.

Icy drops of water fall on my shoulders as the rain starts. I’m still wearing nothing but my legskins, but I can’t tell if the shiver along my spine is from the cold or the low rumble of approaching thunder. Lightning streaks across the sky, and a smile settles on my lips. This is the only way that it could ever end. I was an idiot to think that we’d escape the wrath of the sea.

I must have been standing there for longer than I’d estimated. The storm is in full swing, but I hear the sound of my name in between the claps of thunder. The water spirit insists on ignoring it until I recognize Makoto’s voice behind me. Slowly, I turn my head to regard him, and I can only imagine how I look when unmasked fear washes across his face. The water continues to rise, lapping at my ankles as he takes a tentative step forward.

“Rin, please!” The desperation in his voice stirs my will to fight, but it’s useless. “I know you’re still in there, so please, Rin, make this stop!”

More than anything, I want to obey, to make the spirit calm the storm. My efforts only bring frustration, though, and the laughter in my ears adds to it. The sound is as cold as the biting wind, tinged with madness, and it doesn’t quite register that it’s spilling from my own lips.

“We tried it your way, Tachibana. You can’t get through to him like this.”

I’m not surprised to hear Sousuke’s voice. I know him well enough to understand that he wouldn’t have let Makoto come after me alone, regardless of his opinion on our relationship. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like Makoto, but after the way things have been over the past few weeks, I can’t blame Sousuke for his concern. For now, though, Minnow demands my full attention, and I turn away from them as I stare out at the ocean.

As I start to raise my arms again, everything around me fades away, leaving only the raging sea and storm. Even the splashing footsteps approaching from behind escape my notice. I’m suddenly on my back in the water, staring up at both of them as they hold me down, and once again, I can’t move. Curses spill from my lips in a language I can barely comprehend, but each snarling word causes Makoto to flinch and Sousuke to tense.

Part of me is relieved; if I can’t move, then maybe Iwaotbi will survive. After all, it’s the water spirit’s own fault that something so simple can foil its plans. Something doesn’t quite ring true as that thought passes through my mind, and the cold bark of a laugh makes me realize the flaw in my thinking. It’s already set everything in motion. My active participation is no longer necessary.

We are so fucked.

The panic in my eyes must be obvious, because Makoto leans closer and places his hands on my shoulders as he searches my features, probably for something to tell him that I’m still here. I want to reach for him, to tell him that I’m glad he’s here with me, but instead, my tears are lost in the rising water.

“We had a deal!” he says, and his anger is as raw and wild as the change in weather.

“And you changed it.” My lips are curled into a savage grin as the words slip past them. “You decided that it was still negotiable.”

My heart sinks when I see the realization hit him, and it only takes a second for guilt to register on his face. He’s resilient, though, and anger rises to the surface again as he leans close. He knows that we were tricked. If I hadn’t been so quick to step in without thinking, then he would have made it through the last few months of his agreement, and then he’d be free. I guess it’s my turn to deal with the guilt.

“Then forget the deal,” Makoto says evenly. “If you hadn’t made me an offer last year, then Iwatobi would still be safe. You want to change the agreement? Fine. Let’s make it so that it never happened to begin with.”

“Tachibana, what the hell are you thinking?” Sousuke demands, but surprisingly, Makoto ignores him. I really wish he hadn’t, though. I know what he’s implying, but it’s insane. No, it’s beyond insane; it’s suicidal.

“Do you understand what you’re asking?” My voice is cautious but intrigued, and the more I fight to regain control, the more interested the spirit becomes. “You’re willing to trade your life in exchange for the lives of those in this town?”

Because we really needed this asshole to spell it out for us. It might as well just draw some pictures in the sand to make sure we really get it. With the way the rain is drenching the beach, and us, it wouldn’t last long, but it’s as ridiculous as the spirit’s need to voice the question at all.

“You already had your chance.” The horror on his face from my words breaks my heart.

 _Then take me, instead._ The thought races through my head before I can stop to consider it, but I have Minnow’s attention now. _I told you that I’d take his place, so I guess that means you get my life instead of his._

It’s not that I want to die – far from it – but I can’t just sit back and let everyone in Iwatobi drown. In a way, it’s almost funny. I’m not exactly the most altruistic person out there. I go after what I want with single-minded intent bordering on obsession, and I don’t always stop to consider how it affects the people around me.

For most of my life, I lived in my dad’s shadow. He wanted to swim in the Olympics, and I swore that I’d fulfill his dream until I finally realized that I needed to do it for myself instead of some attempt to appease his ghost. Maybe it’s only fitting that I follow his footsteps right into a watery grave.

“Please!” Makoto’s anger vanishes beneath desperation, his voice breaking as he shouts above the wind. “We’re talking about an entire town! I’ll do whatever you want, just stop this!”

That’s when it hits me. Makoto isn’t going to let others suffer for him, but the water spirit isn’t going to be content with just one of us. We’re in this together now; maybe we always have been and I just didn’t realize it. I’m vaguely aware that I’m speaking again, but I can’t focus on the words, and I can read the resignation in Makoto’s eyes.

_You’ll spare Iwatobi and Sousuke if we agree to this?_

_Yes_ , the spirit assures me.

“Rin, I’m so sorry,” Makoto says, leaning down. “This is all my fault.”

“Shut up, Mako.” At least I can actually speak my own words again. “Stop wasting time apologizing when we only have a few seconds left.”

Sousuke shouts out in surprise as a gust of wind knocks him back, sending him sprawling across the beach away from the water. It’d be nice if I could have a chance to say goodbye, but the few moments I have with Makoto will have to be enough. Staring into deep green eyes, I know I made the right choice. That has to count for something.

Somehow, I can move my arms again, and I reach up to pull him close. If the sea is going to take us, then I want my last memory to be him. His lips brush against mine, without apology this time, and I feel his arms wrap around me as the waves crash over us.


	10. Chapter 10

I’ve never given much thought to how I might die. It was always an abstract thought buried in the back of my mind, and with all of the dreams and goals I have, it’s easy to simply ignore the existence of the inevitable, to write it off as something that won’t happen for decades. In a way, it’s almost comforting that I don’t have to face it alone. It’s selfish maybe, but I’m okay with my last conscious thought being the feeling of Makoto’s arms around me.

The sound of my name brings me back to awareness, but I’m still floating through an endless sea, weightless and lethargic. I guess there really is such a thing as an afterlife. It’s another thing that never really crossed my mind until now. Part of me wants to keep my eyes closed so that I don’t have to face the truth, but the second that I realize that it’s Makoto’s voice calling for me, I can’t stop myself.

Water surrounds us, but all I can focus on is the green of his eyes, filled with concern that melts into relief when I meet his gaze. I want to apologize – after all, I’m the one who just got us both killed – but I can’t seem to find adequate words to express my regret. It doesn’t really strike me as odd that we’re breathing underwater, except for the fact that we’re breathing at all, but maybe that’s just out of habit.

I manage to look away from him to examine our surroundings, and I’m a little disappointed that we seem to be in the middle of the ocean. Is this what we’re going to see for the rest of eternity? Or perhaps this is just a temporary stopover on our way to wherever we’re supposed to go next.

“Rin?” Makoto takes my hand, demanding my attention in his own gentle way, and I decide that sightseeing can wait.

When I look at him again, I notice a few differences. Flecks of green dot the skin around his eyes, and he seems to have lost his shirt at some point – not that I’m complaining, of course. His other hand reaches for me, resting on the side of my face, and a paper-thin membrane stretches between his fingers.

So far, this afterlife is pretty fucking weird.

I find the presence of mind to give him a once over, and as my eyes trail down his chest to his waist, I almost forget why I felt the need to examine him. Oh, that’s right, to see what else might be different. There are more clusters of green on his skin – across his shoulders, on his sides, and on his forearms – and when my gaze settles on the scales of the tail where his legs used to be, glittering in the muted sunlight from above the surface, the other small changes I noted finally fit together.

“Holy shit.” I don’t even ask how it is that I can whisper in our current location; I’m too focused on staring at him.

Curiosity gets the better of me, and I pull back to take a look at myself. The thought that we’d left the world of the living kept me preoccupied to the point where I hadn’t even noticed the changes to my own body. My hands are similar to his, but I don’t have the clusters of scales dotting my skin like he does. It’s a little disappointing, but I choose not to dwell on it. Before I even look down, I can tell that my legs are gone as well, and a sleek, grey tail has taken its place.

“I don’t think we’re dead,” Makoto says. “I mean, I don’t _feel_ dead, so that has to mean something, right?”

He has a point, and I want to believe him, but how and why did we change so much? Why did the water spirit keep us alive at all? The strange details of the past week start to click into place, especially the moments when I found myself immobilized whenever I was on my back.

“Tonic immobility,” I mumble. “That little shit.” Glancing up at Makoto, I read the confusion on his features and let out a humorless laugh. “I read somewhere that if a shark ends up upside-down, then it becomes temporarily paralyzed. I’m a little fuzzy on the details, but it seems like that spirit was having itself a nice fucking laugh at my expense.”

There’s no other way to explain why I have a shark tail now, or why Makoto has been changed too; it has to be the work of the spirit. I still can’t quite figure out its motives behind this, though. I’m not exactly complaining that we’re still alive, but I don’t understand why it would agree to take our lives in exchange for the safety of Iwatobi and then allow us to live. In a way, it’s still taken out lives, but changed them instead of ending them.

“We have to go back,” Makoto says. “We have to let everyone know we’re alright somehow.”

“Except that we probably can’t walk on land anymore, and we have no way of contacting them.” More than anything, I want to see our friends, too, but it’s too big of a risk. It’s daytime now, so the chances of being seen are high, and I really don’t want to think about what might happen to us if someone up there tries to catch us. The look of dejection on his face has a way of killing my resolve. “Okay, fine. We’ll go see if there’s any way we can get in touch with them. Maybe we can check periodically to see if any of them are on the beach or something, alright?”

Common sense has never been my strongest trait, but this is almost pushing my recklessness to its limit. It’s difficult to say no to him, though, and so I take his hand and start towards the surface before I can talk myself out of it. We can take this one step at a time – let the others know that we’re still okay and then figure out what to do from there.

Squinting against the sunlight, I can see the shoreline in the distance, but I can’t tell if the beach is occupied. At least I can breathe up here, too. It doesn’t seem possible that we can breathe both above and under the ocean, but it’s just one more thing to worry about another time. We’ll have to be careful, and I drop back below the surface, Makoto’s hand still in mine as I cut through the water.

He matches my speed without difficulty, and I have to admit that as strange as it is, excitement is stirring within me. I didn’t really want to give up my life, but this is so different and so new that I can’t help but wonder what else lies ahead. I’ve always been fast in the water, and I’ve worked my ass off to improve my times and match Haru’s skill, but now I’m built for swimming. I can’t honestly be upset about it even if I should be.

As the water grows shallow, we break the surface again. We’re far enough out that it’s unlikely we’ll be seen unless someone is looking for us, but we have a pretty clear view of the beach. I’ve brought us back to the same stretch of sand from which we disappeared last night, a relatively secluded area, and my heart sinks when I see the familiar figure staring out at the ocean, as if hoping that we weren’t gone forever.

“He’s been there all night?” Makoto says beside me. There’s a blanket over Sousuke’s shoulders, and another figure approaches him with a pair of mugs. “Is that… Haru?”

I drift a little closer, trying to get a better look. He’s right; Haru sits down beside Sousuke, offering him one of the mugs, and they sit there just watching the waves. It’s great that they get along better than they used to, but seeing them like this is still one hell of a surprise, even more so when Sousuke lifts his arm to share the blanket. A knot twists in my stomach when I realize that they’re taking comfort in each other’s presence after losing both of their best friends.

“Let’s go.” I can’t just stay back and watch any longer. I never wanted either of them to have to deal with this, and I know Makoto didn’t either. That’s why he made his deal in the first place.

I’m about halfway to the shore when I stop again, Makoto pausing beside me. How are we supposed to explain this? Unless Makoto filled Sousuke in last night, he probably doesn’t even know why I came out here in the first place, and who the hell knows if he told Haru anything? It’s not like he and Haru ever had secrets, but he’d kept this to himself until he told me, so there’s no way to predict how either of them will react.

“Rin, we have to tell them.” He’s right, of course, but I’ve never been good at letting people in when things go to shit. “Do you really want them thinking that we’re dead? We can’t put them through this anymore. They’re our friends, and they deserve the truth.”

Looking at the pair a short distance away, I can’t argue with him. He squeezes my hand, prompting me to glance at him again, and his gentle, reassuring smile is all it takes. Sousuke and Haru _are_ our friends, and if I can stop their pain, then I will. My temporary hesitation washes away with the tide, a quick nod my only answer as we start forward again.

We stay above the surface this time, giving them the opportunity to see us as we approach, and both sets of eyes widen in surprise. It’s unusual to see so much emotion in either of their expressions, but if ever there were a time for it, it would be now. There’s the expected array – confusion, suspicion, and elation – and only a couple of seconds pass before they’re both rushing into the shallows to meet us halfway.

“You’re alive!” Sousuke speaks first, disbelief clear in his voice. “How? I thought you drowned…”

“Where are your clothes?” Leave it to Haru to ask the really important questions.

“Well… um…” Makoto turns that adorable shade of red that always appears when he’s caught in a compromising situation, and I can’t hold back a laugh. “It’s a funny story, really.”

“Yeah.” Why do I have to open my mouth and make it even more awkward? “It’s pretty unbelievable.”

“Then let’s get out of here so you can dry off and explain,” Sousuke says.

Makoto and I exchange a glance. This is where things are going to get tricky. We can’t just bullshit our way out of this, but there isn’t really a delicate way to tell them. _We’re just going to have to be blunt_. He nods, and now I have one more question, because I know I didn’t say that out loud.

“Okay, don’t freak out or anything,” I begin, leaning a little closer to Makoto. “But we can’t really leave the water. At least, I don’t think we can. I mean, we haven’t tried yet, but that’s because I just woke up about half an hour ago. So, maybe we can, but-”

“Rin,” Haru interrupts, and I get to the point.

“Something happened last night,” I continue, rising up out of the water a little more. My waist is visible now, bringing the place where my skin fades into the grey of a shark into full view. “So, yeah. We’re not dead, but I don’t think we can come back.”

“Holy shit.” Sousuke’s voice is so low that I have to strain to hear it over the quiet lapping of the waves. His gaze flicks over to Makoto, and then to Haru as if gauging his reaction, wondering if they’re both seeing the same thing. He recovers quickly, though, and his laugh is only a little nervous. “Guess those teeth of yours really suit you now.”

I almost retort, but Makoto bursts into laughter beside me, shattering the tension. Shaking my head, I feel a grin settling on my lips as I elbow him in the ribs, which only makes him laugh harder. I guess I’m going to have to try harder. I’ve wanted to try something since I woke up anyway.

Launching myself to the side, I shove him back down into the water, and I’m not the least bit sorry that Sousuke and Haru get drenched in the process. Haru probably doesn’t mind, and Sousuke’s the smartass that started it, so they can deal with it. Makoto and I are a thrashing mess of muscle and fins as we wrestle, but Haru’s calm voice brings us back to our senses.

“Do you two think you can wait until we go home before you jump each other?”

“You too?” I snap.

The relief in his eyes and the tiniest hint of a smile on his face eases my irritation at being the subject of their humor. Haru doesn’t care that we might not be human anymore, and Sousuke doesn’t seem too bothered by the idea either. A lot of things have changed, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Makoto’s arm slides around my shoulders, and I look up at him to see one of my favorite smiles – his eyes are closed, and all worry is gone from his features. Whatever happens from here, we’ll be okay. I just know it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you all so much for reading this, and for all of the wonderful comments and kudos. I had a lot of fun writing it, but I think this is a good place to wrap it up. I may do more in this universe, possibly exploring how Rin and Makoto adapt to their new life under the ocean, or I may write something involving Sousuke and Haru and how they handle things moving forward. We'll see what inspiration strikes me when I get to that point.
> 
> In the meantime, I'll be working on my other fic, Waiting for Darkness. You can still find me on tubmlr - [ ladylasa ](http://ladylasa.tumblr.com)


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